the very thing that has troubled me is my walk with the Lord. I can not recall when, but it started when prayer time is no longer sweet and the reading of His words became a struggle and tedious thing. I hate this. I hate myself for this. but how dreary is this mire that i am in. my feet down deep into the mud underneath me... dragging my every single steps on the same ground, preventing me from moving forth.
where is this victorious christian life they are talking about? i can not even have complete victory over the internet pornography... and my private sin in the closet, the masturbation and false fantasy with the opposite sex.
everytime i sinned, no matter how naive or pretentious naive the circumstances seem to be, i am one step further away from Him, the very One i vowed to love with all my heart, soul, and mind.
it has been ten years since high school graduation. In 2011, i shall be turning 30 years old. Surely time flies.
eventhough, it has been ten years, i still remember what i had asked of the Lord on the day of high school graduation. i said to Him, "Lord, these 3 things i ask of you: 1. wisdom, 2. understanding, 3. a heart that never departs away from you!" He has been faithful. Looking back now and see the path that i have walked through, if it is not because of the Lord, i would not have walk this far. If it is not because of Him, i am not sure if i will still be a christian. but he is faithful. and today as i write this entry, i am relying on his faithfulness and sovereignty.
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the reading of the word today comes from the book of Psalm, chapter 46:
" God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof.
verse 10:
be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, i will be exalted in the earth. The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge.
***
relying on His goodness and faithfulness, i know this is the only way that will enable me to move on forward. He who is faithful on little things will also be faithful when the master entrusted to him greater things. i know what i have to do that i may gain favor once again before the Lord. Gaining favor, not in terms of salvation, but into deeper and sweeter fellowship with my Papa in heaven.
40 days count down before the national screening exam for medical doctors in taiwan. my heart is fearful. i know i am far far from being well prepared for this exam. 4 months was not enough. my heart trembles when i look up to this huge rock which the Lord has set before me. i say to my soul, if so we pass this mountain, it is surely not by virtue of our hard effort. but of this one thing we shall boast, it is because of the Lord that we move and cross mountains! "
some trust in their horses!
some trust in their chariots!
but we trust in the Name of our Lord
the Lord of Host.
isnt He who said this," it is not by power nor by might, but by my strength, saith the Lord!"
tonight, i lay my heart still before the Most High!
